Me, myself and I

Hi there all, I'm Eamonn and trying my hand at this blogging til I get bored or actually get something to do. So I'll start. Today was one of the worst days I've ever experienced. My transformation from mild dosser to absolute waster is now complete. I'm in college for a start. Today I decided to give my lectures a miss. Yesterday I also decided to skip them. This has become a recurring enough pattern so far that I only today realised that I had two essays for the same day in a week and a half which I got two weeks ago and I still haven't read any of the books concerned. Ok so it's my first year but I'd rather I didn't completely destroy myself.

Anyway, today was the day the sheer patheticness of my existence came crashing down on me. I'm 18, only been kissed twice, maybe three times. You can probably tell why from the photo. I'm not good looking and, without extensive surgery, never will be. But I already knew that. That's no revelation. I also know I don't have the most appealing personality. But it's just frustrating to see fellas with less personality and less in the way of looks doing better than me.

My real problem in that regard is actually telling someone I like them. There've been certain girls who I have REALLY liked and when it came to telling them I just froze and missed my moment. And because of this I seem ignorant and I can only assume these girls are hurt and confused about what I feel. But not as hurt and confused by what I know. I've only twice told a girl I like her, only one of these girls was sober at the time and remembered it.

I have rock-bottom self esteem and work myself into regualar fits of depression. The self-esteem thing is easy to explain. I'm a nerd, pure and simple. I went to nerd camp 4 summers in a row. This nerd camp (CTYI, for those who don't know, the Irish Centre for Talented Youth) holds some of my fondest memories and it's there I met some of my best friends. For my nerdiness and general outsiderness I suffered at the hands of bullies for most of my school life. My self-esteem was lowered further by being rejected by several girls for "being too ugly" and even rejected for debs dates 5 times. The debs? Nobody turns down an invitation for that.

And my transition into college has gone as smoothly as everything else usually does for me. I spent the first two weeks sick in bed and missed any easy friend-making opportunity. By the time I recovered people had already organised themselves into their little groups and I was left, once more, alone to make the uphill struggle. My housemates think I'm gay cos I come from Kilkenny and don't play hurling, and more importantly cos I don't find porn a huge turn-on (it's far too impersonal).
I today also realised that nobody knows me well and I don't know anybody well. I've just kind of floated around. Even my best friends will admit to never knowing what's goin on with me and I don't know much about their lives, even if I can read their emotions like a book.

My interests in life are non-existent. I play guitar badly, I sing badly, I go to weapons training on Wednesday nights, I go orienteering at the weekends. I like reading and writing. But in the end of the day, I'm a dilletante. I'll never truly convict myself to one thing for fear of being stuck with it and not having an escape.
And that's why I find myself in a dilemma, loathing my own existence and wishing I could go back and do all the things I should have done. And that's why I've started this blog. To log my life, my thoughts and various other things that seem like a good idea at the time. That's me for now.