What Would Jesus Do?

Almost two millenia ago, one man sacrificed himself for us, so that our sins may be forgiven, and that we may gain everlasting life in heaven (which is good enough for me just so long as I get to live forever). Is the world any better for it? No.

Our sins were forgiven about 2000 years ago, but we've built up another few since then. Some of the best wars have happened, some of the best murders and massacres. Some of the craziest cults have appeared to completely warp the core religious messages of every major religion, which is essentially the same in each. These cults include the major organised religions themselves, which are guilty of causing many major wars and such.

Today we have just as many, if not more problems than existed in the 1st century A.D. So my question is, what would Jesus do?

To answer this we need a second coming. Right here, right now. I give him the lowdown on what needs to be done, and he comes up with a game plan. The way I see it, he gets into the public eye, starts a band, gets into acting, that kinda thing. He could even do his own special effects. It must've taken them ages to do the entire water to wine scene in Bruce Almighty. Jesus comes with that natural ability. One take and you're away. Not to mention any movie where someone's brought back to life. No more need for acting like you're coming back to life. The producers can kill you and let Jesus do the rest.

Maybe the man himself'll have a better idea, but I dunno. Maybe he could be a standup comedian. It might suit him. He's Jewish, he's probably got a great sense of humour, and he could do jokes about how his mother was a virgin and actually mean it.

So anyway, once he does that and catches the public's eye, he starts spreading the good word. And this time he doesn't have to sacrifice himself for our sins. This time the sinners make the sacrifices. But only the big sinners cos, being omnipotent, neither God nor his son are petty enough to punish you for stealing sweets or using a swear word. Only the warmongerers, the murderers, the people who rob from the poor for their own benefits, will be made to sacrifice. They will have to step down from power, face the consequences of their actions, and get with the Jesus programme.

Organised religion will be made a bit more fun, the way it was intended by all those people who founded them. The new Pope will be black and release a funky pope music video with music by Faith No More. The Dalai Llama can stay as he is cos he's cool and fun already as a consequence of being kicked out of Tibet, which he will be allowed back into.

No more war, no more murder, no more of anything bad that puts me on a downer. I hope Jesus will be my friend...

My point is a dose of Jesus is what the world needs right about now. And not the boring kind of Jesus like in Mel Gibson's TERRIBLE remake of the Life of Brian. That was rubbish. The original was way funnier.